Self-Confidence (Or the Lack Thereof)

Do you ever just hate yourself, the world, and your entire life, and yet you have no idea what in the world to do about it?

That's basically what's been going on with me lately. I've had a lot of talks with a lot of people. I had to adjust some of my dreams and my ideas about the world, as well as about myself. I once again had to face the fact that despite my trying to "fake it until I make it", I literally have no self-confidence whatsoever and I'm not really sure what to do about that, either.

Publishing a book has always been a dream of mine - a dream that's now about to come true. And then I start worrying - because what if no-one likes it? What if people hate it? What if I have to give up on my dream of becoming a writer before I've even really begun to work on it?

And then there's uni. I've spent four years doing something I don't like, so what am I going to do now? Start a new study? Find a job? Am I ready for that? What else can I do? Society has all these expectations I feel like I can't live up to, which causes me to doubt not only myself, but everything around me; because from these questions about my book and about uni, I went on to, "Which of my friends can I really build on?", "Aren't I too much of a bother for the people around me?", and, not for the first (or the hundredth) time since I was about six years old, "Why do I even exist?".

Those things and more are what I have been thinking and talking about. I've been very unhappy. I kind of still am. I guess you could say I almost ended up in a pretty dark place, but I hope I'm out of the danger zone now.

Sometimes, songs and stories, awesome reviews and Hopeful Notes, optimistic blog posts and positive quotes... sometimes they just don't help. Sometimes things change around you, and sometimes things change inside of you. I hope I can leave it all behind me now as I'm going to try once more to slowly work myself up to getting more self-confidence - by trying new things on my own, changing my attitude on certain things, and, of course, by publishing Broken Dreams and to hell with what people may think.

Screw the 1st of January. My new year is starting now.

Maddy