The New Me

Here I am.

I've been realising a lot over the past few days. A few weeks ago, I was on a high: I handed in my thesis, for the first time ever I submitted a short story of mine to an online magazine in the hopes of getting it published, and I started working hard for a new job. I was on FIRE, as some would say.
And then suddenly, I was not.
It wasn't one thing that suddenly put me down again. It wasn't just my upcoming exams, or the fact that I was so busy I barely had time for anything, or the fact that my story got rejected. I just sort of... broke down.

Sometimes, I realised, we trick ourselves into believing certain things. In my case, I tricked myself into believing that I had self-confidence, that I had accepted myself for who I am and nothing and no-one could ever change that. And then suddenly, that turned out not to be true at all. I found out my self-image is still bad, my self-confidence still non-existent. I haven't accepted myself and I don't like myself; and the fact that that is true only causes me to loathe myself even more for being 'weak'.

My parents, bless them, were extremely supportive. All my life, they've been there for my every breakdown, all my highs and lows, cheering with me when something went right and crying with me whenever it went wrong - not for long, though, because they'd pull me back to my feet in no time and encourage me to try again, and again. To be the best me that I can be, because they know I have it in me.

And I have great friends. I realised that, too. They're supportive, funny and sweet. I told them about these things not long ago - I told them how insecure I really am, how I feel like I am not ready for certain things that other people my age have already done ages ago, about the emotional wreck I can be and about the way that makes me feel. And I hated it. To most people, I am just a normal girl - spontaneous enough, always friendly. To my friends, I'm slightly crazy. But I never let anyone see that insecure and emotional part of me, because I feel embarrassed over it.
And now I told my friends... and they didn't make a big deal over it. They didn't make a fuss. They just told me I have no reason for that bad self-image because they think I am amazing, and if I need help, they'll be there for me. That's it.

And now here I am. Tomorrow I will hear whether I passed my bachelor's thesis or not. Next week I have my final exam. After that, if everything goes the way it is supposed to, I will have earned my bachelor's degree; and somehow, this just seems like a good time to turn things around.

So from now on, I'm going to worry less. I'm going to work on my self-esteem issues. I'm going to try to smile and really, truly accept myself the way I am - I'm going to fake it until I make it. I'm going to pass my thesis and I'm going to pass my exam. I'm going to get my bachelor's degree and I'm going to send in those short stories of mine again and again and again, until I get them published; and Oz dammit, I'm going to finish and publish my original story if it's the last thing I'll ever do.
As for fanfiction: I'm going to post the final chapter of Here we stand later tonight and then I'm going to take a short break until after my exam. From now on, I'm not going to start posting a story until I have at least half of it already written in advance. More structure, less chaos (and less waiting for updates, hopefully).

I'm going to do this and this time, I'm not going to let myself stand in the way. They say that you are responsible for your own happiness. I choose to be happy with my friends, my family, my life and with myself.

I am ready for the world. I hope the world is ready for me.

Maddy